NFL Football Picks - Week 9

What a horrible week I had last week!  The Saints, saviors of my Week 7 picks, made my Week 8 picks even worse by fumbling when they were trying to kill the clock!  Atlanta field goal, and BOOM!  Atlanta covers the spread.  Thanks, Saints.  To make matters worse, I publicly thanked them on Facebook for scoring in the last 2.5 minutes to cover the spread.  That was embarrassing.

I'm still 62-54, though I was 5-8 last week.  I'm beginning to think this blog could be cursed.  Maybe I should bring in a witch doctor to cleanse it?  Or a priest to exorcise it?  Or a rabbi to actually quarterback the Cleveland Browns?  Can't do any worse.

Still, I had a couple of very good picks last week.  I knew there was no way San Diego could cover 18 points, even if it was against Oakland.  And the Minnesota defense had some Aaron Rodgers for breakfast.  Yum!  The other white meat.

So, shall we get this pain and torture over with?  Oh, I guess we have to wait for Sunday for that.  But you can start laughing at me now!


Atlanta (-10.5) vs Washington
Atlanta looked really good against the Saints last week.  Washington?  Well....their uniforms are kind of snazzy!  I still have to wonder what Jim Zorn has to do for the team when somebody else is actually calling the plays during the game.  Is he the head cheerleader?  Or does the guy just dump a bunch of plays on him and say "practice these" while lounging on the sideline, not needing to do anything until Sunday?  How castrated do you have to feel when the GM/Owner strips you of your ability to call your own plays?  I wonder if the Redskins will win another game.  Maybe, but definitely not this week.
Atlanta

Chicago (-3.5) vs Arizona
Man, did Arizona look terrible!  Did Kurt Warner and Jake Delhomme switch jerseys before the game?  Warner threw 5 interceptions and committed 6 turnovers in a truly embarrassing loss.  Meanwhile, the Bears coasted against a Cleveland team that still couldn't score even if all the cheerleaders stripped off their clothes and chanted "take me now!"  So which team will come out this week?  The Bears are perfect at home and I don't see that changing this week.
Chicago

Baltimore (-2.5) at Cincinnati
The Ravens will be hungry after the extremely stupid way they blew their last game against the Bengals, and I have a feeling that the defense will devour Palmer and Benson.  Think dogs gnawing on a bone.  "Hey Ray, it looks like you've got Palmer's femur there!  I'll trade you for Benson's ulna!"  Yes, I'm stooping to anatomy humour.  Live with it.  The Bengals are coming off of a Bye, so they should be well-rested, but I just think that Baltimore will take this game.  There won't be a last-minute comeback this time.
Baltimore

Indianapolis (-9.5) vs Houston
This one's a really hard game to pick.  Both teams barely beat the 49ers, and this is quite a big spread.  Indy won last week, Manning passed for 347 yards with no interceptions and yet didn't pass for a TD.  How is that possible?  Statistically, I don't see any reason why the Colts didn't just blow the 49ers out of the building.  Do I see Rod Serling hovering around somewhere?  I don't think that happens two weeks in a row.
Indy

Jacksonville (-6.5) vs Kansas City
Jacksonville can't stop the run.  Oh, look, the Chiefs actually know how to run the ball!  They just can't pass. That's ok, because the Jags can't stop the pass either! Jacksonville's looked nothing but bad against some atrocious teams this year, so why not against KC too?  They may pull off the game, but I'll bet it's close.  So of course, given the way my luck is going, the Jags will win by 30.
KC

New England (-10.5) vs Miami
After a slow start to the season, the Patriots (and Tom Brady's machismo) are back in sync like they were during the Super Bowl years.  Miami's been doing good things this year so far, but Brady will have a field day against this defense.  He'll just smile and the glint off his teeth will make the defensive backs swoon like most of the models he's dated.
New England

Green Bay (-10.5) at Tampa Bay
Is Tampa going to win a game this year?  Not at this rate.  Their offense is terrible, their defense is worse.  Green Bay's hot and while the Viking's Jared Allen and the rest of the defensive line feasted on him last week, the Packers' offensive line can probably take a siesta in the middle of the play and still keep the Bucs off of him.  As for Johnson (or Leftwich, or whichever Tampa resident the coaching staff scraped off the beach this week and put a uniform on), he'll be running for his life.  Or throwing picks.  Or, you know, maybe both?  It's been known to happen.
Green Bay

New Orleans (-14.5) vs Carolina
I'm pretty pissed at the Saints right now after that performance last week.  I'm giving them the silent treatment, not returning their calls.  They have to be wondering if I've lost my affection for them.  I may try to get a free dinner out of them before I fully forgive them.  Meanwhile, Carolina actually won a game last week! And Jake Delhomme didn't even throw a pick!  It helped the John Fox actually realized that his quarterback sucks and only passed 17 times.  Their rushing game was quite good, making a top 10 team against the rush look feeble.  Saints, pull this off and all will be forgiven.  If you blow this, then I'm going ditching you for the Falcons instead.
New Orleans

Seattle (-10.5) vs Detroit
I know, I know.  How can I take Seattle as double-digit favourites against any team?  Easy.  I'm stupid!  No, wait, that's not it.  It's because it's at home and while Seattle has well and truly sucked this year, they've come up big against the really horrible teams, especially at home, shutting out two of them.  Detroit is a really horrible team.  Ipso facto, ergo, and all that other Latin junk, Seattle will win this one.  See?  I paid attention in Logic class.  It's Math that's hard.
Seattle

New York Giants (-4.5) vs San Diego
The Giants have looked really lame the last three weeks against brilliant passing attacks.  Gee, San Diego has a brilliant passing attack.  I won't use the same Latin joke again, but it does stand to reason.  For some reason, the Giants haven't been able to adapt and they've actually looked a bit listless.  Eli Manning has been making mistakes that his brother has never even thought about.  I'm not saying that the wheels are falling off of the Giants bandwagon, but I've heard that AAA has had a massive influx of broken-down vehicle calls recently in the New Jersey area.  Somebody might want to look into that.
San Diego

San Francisco (-4.5) vs Tennessee
Yay!  The Titans won a game.  Boo!  It was against the Jaguars, and it took a few huge runs by Chris Johnson to do it.  The 49ers are much better against the run than the lowly Jaguars.  I don't think that happens again.  If the Titans have to rely on the arm of Vince Young, recently reinstated after coach Jeff Fisher finally gave up on Kerry Collins, they're going down in flames.  That's like depending on the stereotypical high school quarterback to help you with your algebra homework.
San Francisco

Philadelphia (-3.5) vs Dallas
It's a fight for the division lead, with both teams sitting on top at 5-2.  The Eagles just dismantled the reeling Giants last week while the Cowboys dismantled the lowly Seahawks.  If the quality of your warm-up counts toward how you will do in a game, then the Eagles will defeat the Cowboys handily.  Both teams have great passing attacks, but only Philly actually has shown it can stop the pass.  It's a Northeast division match-up, at home in the cold of Philly (or at least I'm reliably informed that it's supposed to be cold there) and you've got an Eagle win.  Not a blowout, but by more than a field goal.
Philadelphia

Pittsburgh (-2.5) at Denver
This is another hard game to pick, mainly because the Steelers' vaunted defense is really banged up.  However, the Steelers haven't lost this year when Troy Polamalu plays, and he'll be all over the field again.Denver quarterback Kyle Orton may start having Chicago flashbacks if  he's not careful.  He's only thrown one interception so far this year.  I'll bet the Steelers nab two Monday night.  Of course, the Broncos will keep it close because the Steelers can't seem to blow anybody out this year.  But a field goal will be more than enough.
Pittsburgh