The lights are off, except the one over the stove. The darkness outside is starting to descend, but there's still a bit of light coming through the sliding glass door. It's almost 9:30 at night and it's not pitch black. Summer is still approaching, just nine days away.
Light from the TV also shines over me, not to mention the computer monitor, its brightness bathing me with whiteness. Roxanne is on right now, but the sound is muted. I need silence, or soft music, when I write. I look up briefly and see a really young Daryl Hannah. Hard to believe this movie is more than 20 years old.
I've got a glass of chocolate milk sitting here beside me, fuel for the physical body. I've just read and commented on a few blogs, tweeted a few tweets, and kept up with the work of many of my friends. Fuel for the blogging soul.
Yet still, I sit here and think. My fingers go silent for a few moments. There's an Empire carpet commercial on now.
And I have no idea what I want to write. No words are really crossing through my brain at the moment. Did I use them all up this morning? And then those nagging feelings of self-doubt present themselves as well.
I enjoy writing, but I always find it difficult. It's the getting started part that is always my enemy. I find that, once I get on a roll, the words just kind of flow out. Sometimes in a seemingly random manner, though usually I'm able to corral them in some way. Sort of like this post, though the stream of consciousness is a bit harder to bring together.
Every once in a while, the doubt intensifies. Weeks like this past week, where I'm not able to post anything. Part of that was time, but if you have the inspiration, you'll always find the time. I just didn't have it this week. I'm always sad when I do a one-hit wonders post, and I realize that the last post on this blog was last week's one-hit wonders post. That's not very conducive to keeping readership, and it's certainly not good for my regular readers.
Sometimes, it's the one-hit wonders posts that keep me going. There has been many a Sunday morning when I've sat here goofing off, thinking that the last thing I want to do is try and be funny. I have no idea what to say.
But every time that thought crosses my mind, I eventually wave it off. I force myself to start. Because I know that if I give in on my one bit of regularity, there will be no going back. Once I stop once (unless there's a good reason, like no Internet or I'm sick, of course), it will be way too easy to say "I won't do one this week either." And it will fall by the wayside.
It's the darkness where the doubts congregate. But it's not the lack of light where they breed. It's the darkness of the mind.
But I refuse to let them stop me. I've got 630 posts on this blog. I've been doing it for two years this coming July, and I don't plan on that coming to an end anytime soon.
Just have to nip those doubts in the bud, and actually sit down and write.
Which is always the best advice, whether it's about writing or anything else.