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November 11, 2009

NFL Football Picks - Week 10

The NFL Network starts its Thursday night games this week, and so we now have to get these picks in early for the rest of the year.  At least that means I get to find out earlier in the week that I really suck at this.  And you get to point your fingers and laugh at me earlier than you have in the past.  So it's a win-win!!

I went a ghastly 5-8 again last week, the third week in a row I've had a losing record.  Also the third week in a row that I've posted my picks on the blog.  Coincidence?  Still, it's not all bad.  At least I don't owe $6 Million dollars in back taxes, like some super-celebrity actor I know (waves at Nicholas Cage) .  I think I would rather just suck at football prognosticating.

For probably just another week or two, I'm above .500 for the year (67-62).  I'm sinking faster than Chris Brown's career.  But I shall persevere in the face of adversity!  Or, you know, lack of talent.

So here we go with week 10!  Read 'em and weep (wait, I guess I'm the one who's going to be weeping).

San Francisco (-3.5) vs Chicago
Two flailing teams meet up on the first Thursday night game of the year.  I'm not sure about these odds, because the 49ers just looked horrible last week, at home, against the Titans.  Now the Bears come in with their woeful road record after getting blitzed by the Cardinals.  That's like slamming two pieces of paper together and expecting that one will cut right through the other.  It's not going to work.  You need something sharp.  And while I would be the last person to call Jay Cutler sharp, I think he's enough to handle the Niners. The defense allowed 5 touchdowns last week, but Alex Smith is no Kurt Warner.

Atlanta (-1.5) at Carolina
Looks like Jake Delhomme has finally learned what colour jerseys his receivers wear, as it's been three weeks since he's thrown an interception.  He actually didn't look that bad last week against the Saints.  But can a leopard change his spots this much?  Or will he return to form?  This will be a high-scoring affair as the Falcons have no defense to speak of.  But they do have an offense that is quite potent.  This will be a close game, no doubt about it.

Denver (-3.5) at Washington
Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  I knew that Kyle Orton would come back to earth a little bit after his highly successful season.  One of the highlights of my ghastly week last week was saying that he would throw his first two real interceptions of the year against the Pittsburgh defense.  I was wrong.  He threw his first 3 interceptions.  But 3.5 points to Washington?  They haven't fallen that much! Jim Zorn's humiliation continues and the team still can't win.  What's even worse:  they can't score. They couldn't score if they all went down to the Roxy on a Friday night and flashed their gold teeth and diamond earrings.  Especially with Portis doubtful with a concussion. Orton faced a tough defense last week, and paid the price for it.  The Redskins?  Let's just say that Orton doesn't have that much to worry about this week.

Tennessee (-6.5) vs Buffalo
Wow, two wins in a row after a season of ineptitude and all of a sudden you become a favourite?  Still, it is Buffalo we're talking about.  Chris Johnson has been carrying the Titans on his back the last two weeks.  Oh, and look!  Buffalo has a horrible run defense!  The best they'll be able to do is wave as Johnson runs right past them into the end zone.  Again and again...oh, and again.  You know how a lot of college football teams come out onto the field by running through a huge paper ring?  It will be kind of like that, only with less resistance.

New Orleans (-13.5) at St. Louis
The Rams won their first game of the year two weeks ago (it was against Detroit, so does that count?), then promptly went on a Bye week so they could savor it a bit longer. It's a good thing they did, since they're coming back to the football field just in time to get run over by the steamroller.  The Saints have been falling behind early the last couple of weeks, with Drew Brees turning the ball over a bit too much.  They've been able to come back and still blow teams out of the water, but it's starting to get a little worrying.  One of these weeks, they aren't going to be able to bounce back.  They're going to lose a game because of their bad starts.  Could this be the week?

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!  It's the Rams.  Sorry, I forgot.
New Orleans

Pittsburgh (-7.5) vs Cincinnati
Pittsburgh has looked really good the last few weeks (thank heavens!), with their defense stiffening and the offense beginning to fire on all cylinders.  Believe it or not, they've actually won and covered the spread the last two games!  But Cincinnati is for re*cough*  rea*cough cough cough*  for real this year (sorry, I couldn't get it out past the bile in my throat) and this spread is much too high.  The division is on the line in this game, and if the Bengals win, they'll be a game ahead and have the tie-breaker with the Steelers.  I think the Steelers will win this game, but not by 8 points.

New York Jets (-6.5) vs Jacksonville
The Jaguars are such a frustrating team.  They're not very good, but sometimes they play just good enough to be a spoiler.  I'm thinking of going down there and letting the air out of their tires, so that they won't make the team flight.  The Jets have also been that way, with rookie QB Mark Sanchez alternately looking like a phenom and Jake Delhomme out there, and you can never tell what you'll get from week to week.  Still, I like the Jets in this one, at home.  It's the Jags' turn to look horrible again this week.
New York

Miami (-9.5) vs Tampa Bay
We now no longer have any winless teams this year, with Tampa overwhelming the Packers last week.  However, the Miami offensive line isn't made of swiss cheese and they can actually run the ball, something the Bucs have not shown they can stop this year.  The defense is a shadow of its former self.  Maybe they can bring back Derrick Brooks and see if he can help them, no matter how old he is.  I have a feeling the Dolphins will run all over the field today, including a run to the concession stand, because those nachos at Land Shark stadium (is the owner a fan of Saturday Night Live or something?) are to die for.

Minnesota (-16.5) vs Detroit
I almost picked the Lions in this one, because that is one huge spread.  Then I turned my head back around so it was facing forward again and said "hey, it's Brett Favre!"  No, I have not fallen under his spell, but given the way the Vikings have played this year, not picking them because you dislike the quarterback is like cutting off your arm because your hand is bleeding.  And it is Detroit.  I have a feeling that QB Matt Stafford is going to be looking for more than his contact lens on the field when Jared Allen gets through with him.  "Here, spleen!  Where are you spleen?  No fair hiding from the body you're supposed to be inside, spleen.  Don't worry, I won't let that nasty man remove you from me again.  The game's over."

Oakland (-1.5) at Kansas City
How bad do you have to suck to have Oakland be the favourite in your game?  Yes, that bad.  The Chiefs waives RB Larry Johnson after suspending him for the gay slur on Twitter a couple of weeks ago.  Too bad they can't suspend the rest of the team for ineptitude, but then they wouldn't have a team to field.  Still, that might let them cover a typical spread.  Two offenses that can't score run up against two defenses that can't stop the opponent from scoring.  Something's got to give.  And I think that something will be the brains of anybody who's forced to watch this game.  Good lord, there's got to be a good soap opera on or something, doesn't there?  Maybe one of those Spanish-language ones where the women all yell at each other so fast that you couldn't understand what they're screaming even if you could speak Spanish?  Yeah, those are always fun.

Dallas (-3.5) at Green Bay
I really like Aaron Rodgers.  I'd also really like for him to live, and he's not going to behind that offensive line. When Tampa Bay is running through you as if you're not even there, you know you've got problems.  And look, Dallas is usually able to get to the quarterback too!  Here's what you do, Aaron.  You put a cardboard cutout of you behind the line of scrimmage, then double over with laughter as it gets torn in two by DeMarcus Ware.  That's not going to help you win, but the thought might make you feel better as you pick yourself up off the turf for the 10th time in a row.

Arizona (-8.5) vs Seattle
I think Seattle literally needs their "12th man" to go on the road with them and dress for them to be successful on the road.  Can you imagine the size of that uniform, to fit 50,000 people (or however many Qwest Field holds)?  They are simply hopeless on the road.  I know, Coach Mora!  Let's go on the road and play a team in their own stadium that beat us 27-3 at home!  Let's see how that turns out!  The answer to that question?  Ugly.  With a capital U.  Also with a capital W, as in Warner, who may not throw 5 TDs like he did against the Bears.  He'll throw 6!

San Diego (-2.5) vs Philadelphia
The Chargers are looking really good this year, and Phillip Rivers is the man.  What a last-minute stunner against the Giants last week!  Personally, I think coach Norv Turner has been replaced by a pod person or something, because he's been finding ways to win rather than lose lately.  Meanwhile, the Eagles' coach Andy Reid showed an amazing talent for not knowing what he's doing last week, kicking a field goal on 4th and 11 with 3:37 left in the game when they were down by 7.   Your defense hasn't held them to a 3-and-out all night, and you expect them to do it in crunch time?  Please.  Reid will find a way to lose this one as well.
San Diego

Indianapolis (-2.5) vs New England
Probably the game of the week, so of course it's on Sunday night.  Two powerhouses meet up, but New England hasn't been the powerhouse it once was.  They've been able to blow away some also-rans this year, but they've had it tough.  Meanwhile, Indy finally gets a spread that it might be able to handle, after two woeful weeks of great Manning stats with nothing to show for it (except a win, of course, but what good does that do me when they only barely win?).  This week, I think they do it.

Baltimore (-10.5) at Cleveland 
This is the Monday night game?  Was there no pinochle tournament they could schedule instead?  Baltimore is a rather boring team to watch, and Cleveland can be entertaining but only in a Monty Python-like fashion.  Brady Quinn's back as starter for the Browns, but that's like replacing the flat tire on your Pinto with a spare tire from your neighbour's Mercedes.  It just doesn't look right.  (No, I'm not saying Quinn is a Mercedes or anything...give me a little credit). The Browns have as many TDs off of returns as they do rushing touchdowns.  Egads, I knew the team was bad, but I didn't realize how bad until I went to their team page on  Maybe they should play against the Ravens' cheerleading squad instead?  While they'd probably still lose, they might at least be able to score (points, I mean...get your minds out of the gutter!).  Against the Ravens defense?  I predict no offensive TDs whatsoever.


  1. One look at your blog and I shall not return. Here is why? As a fellow Canadian who does a talk show on the NFL, you should be ashamed to write such trash! The BEARS off a short week, less a travel day, and banged up with injuries should have been a major clue for you. Seems you don't have one. I stopped reading after that so called "pick", I didn't need to read the rest, I know you know nothing. Good luck with the rest of your so called football picks...stick to your nose!


  2. Wow, somebody's in a bad mood.


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