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November 25, 2009

NFL Football Picks - Week 12

I know this will be a stunner.  It shocked me.  Hell, it will probably mortify Murph in Edmonton (assuming that's even possible), but I actually was above .500 last week.  There shall be parades in my honour.  There will be wine, roses, fabulous babes in low-cut blouses throwing themselves at me (though most of them will sadly be intercepted by Brad Pitt, who will be Troy Polamalu to my Carson Palmer), and general celebrations. There will be songs written for me!  Sadly, they will be performed by Adam Lambert on the American Music Awards, and nobody will be paying any attention.

So what if I was only 9-7?  After three horrible weeks, I deserve a little celebration.  Like Brittany Spears deserves one whenever she can go a couple of weeks keeping her pants on.  Oh, and sorry to those of you coming to this blog in search of more Adam Lambert goodness.  I was lost in the moment.

As I said, I went 9-7 last week, for an overall record of 82-78.

On to this week's picks!  With the suckiness baked right in, just like my mom used to make.

Green Bay (-10.5) at Detroit
Ah, the Thanksgiving tradition.  I remember the good old days, when we used to have our turkey dinner with family, then sit back and watch the Detroit Lions actually play their annual Thanksgiving Day game.  Nowadays, it looks like they've decided to go with the dinner route too, and to hell with the game.  And they do it every week, too!  Guys, the holiday only comes once a year.  You can't use that excuse all the time.  But today, we'll let you eat with us.  You do have to sit at the kids' table with Uncle Frank and listen to his "stories," though.  Hell, somebody's gotta do it.  Just think of the children.
Green Bay

Dallas (-13.5) vs Oakland
I was really reluctant to take this spread for the second Turkey-Day game, but then I thought about it.  I thought about how Tony Romo has looked horrible against some truly awful defenses lately, without even a sign of Jessican Simpson in the stadium!  I remembered (had nightmares about, actually) that dreadfully dull game against Washington last week, where they could barely score a touchdown, but yet still managed to pull it out.  My anti-Dallas heart says there's no way Dallas wins this game.  My head says "not so fast, heart!!  This is America's team!!"  And then it said "yeah, but there's no way they win by 14."

New York Giants (-6.5) at Denver
It's cold and rainy in Vancouver, as Fall sets in.  Time for Denver's annual nosedive into the cold turf at Invesco Field.  Every year, they tease fans by starting out really well, and then they tank the final part.  Sometimes they squeak into the playoffs and sometimes they miss them totally.  Last week, they couldn't even muster a touchdown with Kyle Orton playing on a lame ankle (some would say that was redundant).  Meanwhile, San Diego blitzed them for 32 points.  The Giants seem to have righted their ship, and they're in the hunt for the NFC East.  They know this is a must-win.  Besides, when Mike Shanahan was fired, he left his "can't win after November 1" stench behind.
New York

Indianapolis (-3.5) at Houston
Peyton Manning has been frustrating this year, offering up more interceptions than he usually does.  He can have some huge yardage games but the Colts don't score touchdowns.  And then he'll have a game like he did against New England.  Houston very rarely wins against the Colts, and I'm thinking that Manning will have another big game.  That, and he promised me a new Sony TV if I picked him.

What?  I can be bought.  I just can't be sold.

Cincinnati (-14.5) vs Cleveland
Once again, I think the oddsmakers don't pay attention to what really happens in football.  It never matters how sucky Cleveland's doing in any given year.  They always play the Bengals tight.  This is a rivalry game, for the glory of Ohio! (Personally, I'll take Columbus)  Records do not matter.  Talent does not matter.  The inability to spay or neuter any members of the Cleveland Dog Pound that make the trip to Cincinnati does not matter.  This game will be relatively close.  Cleveland will go back to double-digit deficits next week.

Miami (-3.5) at Buffalo
Interim Buffalo coach Perry Fewell actually made his team play better than usual last week, for which I thank him (it was one of my nine!).  However, he's so interim that they still haven't removed Dick Jauron from the Bills' NFL team page!  Until they exorcise that specter of ineptitude from all aspects of the Bills' existence, victory will never come.  I hear that local Catholic priests are hesitant to perform that rite, though, for fear that they'll actually touch the Jauron and then they'll start giving lots of bad advice to their parishioners ("Oh, sure, Sally, go ahead and fornicate with with all three Jonas Brothers!  God won't mind!")

Atlanta (-12.5) vs Tampa Bay
Tampa?  You used me, abused me, made me think you actually had some talent when you blasted Green Bay!  But you showed yourself last week as nothing but a tease!  I hate you so much, Tampa.  I never want to hear your name again!

So, uh, what are you doing Sunday afternoon?  Playing a football game?  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  No, seriously.  I'll come back to you, but only if you stop LYING to me.

Minnesota (-10.5) vs Chicago
Just another day at the office for "The Favre" (he's become a noun, now, just like "The Rock" but in rugged jeans!).  Jay Cutler managed to only throw one interception last week, but this week he's going up against Jared Allen  He's going to have a tough time unwrapping his legs from the horrible, yet strangely erotic pretzel-formation that Allen will twist his legs into.  Hey Jared, do you do balloon animals too?

(Yes, I do have to have one quarterback anatomical joke per week.  Doctor's orders)

Tennessee (-0.5) vs Arizona
The Titans have become the first team in, like, forever to win four straight games after losing their first six.  Don't look now, but they're only two games out of a wildcard spot!  Titans QB Vince Young is running like....well, I don't want to go all Howard Cosell here, so I'll just say he's been damned good since taking over for Kerry Collins.  Between him and Charles Johnson, do the Titans even need to pass? They do if they ever want to get a date!

Seattle (-3.5) at St. Louis
After last week, the Seahawks still haven't won on the road.  The Rams have played some fairly good teams tight the last couple of weeks.  Why do I sense another upset in the making here?  Does Seattle really need the crowd that much to actually win a game?  Maybe they should invest in a case of Ronco's "Home Crowd in a Can", the quick-fix for any visiting team's woes!  Whoops, never mind.  There's a disclaimer that says it may be harmful to marine avian life.  Then again, apparently so is going on the road without it.
St. Louis

Philadelphia (-9.5) vs Washington
Apparently, Angelina Jolie does not like Barack Obama. In other head-scratching news, the Redskins almost won their second game in a row last week against the inept Cowboy offense!  Too bad for them that Donovan McNabb is doing a lot better than Romo is recently, and the Redskins couldn't score if...well, let's not use that joke this week.  I know I said last week that NFC East match-ups are always tight affairs, but this one will be won by 10 points (just like last time).

New York Jets (-3.5) vs Carolina
Jake Delhomme finally threw an interception last week, after three weeks without one.  Can we go back to making fun of him now?  It's just so easy to do.  However, now we have to start with the Mark Sanchez jokes, as this rookie phenom has crashed and burned faster than the model airplane I built when I was a kid before deciding to see if it would fly (spoiler alert:  it didn't).  He's throwing balls up for grabs like a bride throws the bouquet up at a wedding, but with less accuracy.  Carolina's going to win this outright.  And believe me, I cringe when I say that.

San Francisco (-3.5) vs Jacksonville
Jacksonville's won three in a row, but they haven't played anybody tougher than the local Peewee league...playing on crutches.  San Francisco hasn't done that well, but I do think they'll take this one at home.  The Jaguars will be getting sleeeeeeepy in that California air.  That, and the little hex I put on them when they walk through the TSA booth.
San Francisco

San Diego (-13.5) vs Kansas City
Yes, I am suitably embarrassed that my Pittsburgh Steelers blew that game against KC.  But that doesn't mean the Chiefs are good!  The Chargers are steamrolling teams like the Saints did last week, holding the Broncos to 3 points.  Kansas City's offense, despite the 4th quarter Steeler swoon, is not that good.  This will be an easy one for the Chargers, as long as Phillip Rivers doesn't get dazzled by his own smile in the mirror or something like that.
San Diego

Baltimore (-2.5) vs Pittsburgh
It really pains me to say this.  The Steelers with Troy Polamalu are 4-0.  Without him?  2-4.  Big Ben may have a concussion, though he's expected to play this week (though he obviously won't if the docs don't clear him).  All signs point to a devastating loss to the Ravens, whose defense continues to be super-tough and with Ray Lewis chewing up opposing players and spitting them out in bullet-streams (sorry, Warner Brothers cartoon flashback there).  Result?  I just can't take Pittsburgh this week.

New Orleans (-2.5) vs New England
After two really lackluster Monday night games (though last week's was quite intense), this game will knock your socks off.  Two high-powered offenses ramming the ball down each others' throats like...well, we won't go there either.  The Saints exploded against Tampa last week (yeah, thanks again, Tampa) after a couple of rather flaccid weeks.  Let's hope they didn't shoot their load against the Bucs, though, as they still need to give the Patriots some hard knocks.  I think they'll be able to do it, though.  And maybe have a cigarette afterward, too.
New Orleans


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