The True One-Hit Wonders of the 80s (Part 6)

Does it ever seem like these one-hit wonders post are never going to end?  Will Dave finally run out of 80s music to post about, make fun of, and quite possibly (in Debbie Gibson's case) begin to worship like those false idols that they warned me about in Sunday School all those long years ago? Except Debbie Gibson is wonderfully real, damn it!  Not a false bone in her body.

Incidentally, I do often refer to myself in third person.  "Dave says that you really need to work harder, Peggy," or  "Dave is really liking this pulled pork sandwich" or "Lucy, Dave thinks that you've got some wonderfully massive..."  Ahem.  Anyway.

Where was I?  Oh, yes.  I have some ideas for what to do with these 80s music posts when I do run out of one-hit wonders, so you will be suffering from enjoying these for a long time to come, I think.  So not to worry!  You 80s music fans out there (Hi, David!) have nothing to worry about.  I will be here for a long time. Whether Sanity will remain here with me or whether it will move off to greener pastures because obviously it can't do anything here is another story entirely.

As always, this post is brought to you by the letters "C", "R", "A", "Z", and "Y," and the number "8."

Um, I mean that this list was taken from Matt over at Scrubbles.net (who finally found these posts, and I'm happy to say I now have a ringing endorsement for them), who did all the research so that I could put these posts together.  Seriously, he did it for me.  I went back in time and disguised myself as a hobo who stopped him on the street and said "Here, take this book and list all the one-hit wonders from the 1980s.  You'll thank me later."  While he did look at me like I was nuts, he obviously took my direction to heart!  And you can now see the results.

I'll go to any lengths to avoid work.

Anyway, here we go!

1) Oxo: "Whirly Girl" (#28, 1983)



(sorry for the video quality - best I could find)

What a catchy tune to start out with! It's got my toe tapping while I'm sitting here typing. I've got a big smile on my face (you really should see it).

But, suddenly, it just becomes incredibly annoying. Not sure why. Too much of a good thing? I don't know, but by the middle of the song I'm desperately reaching for that "pause" button, and would push it if I didn't want to hear the whole thing so I can properly tell you that "this sucks." And it kind of does. Very cheesy video, too. Yet another strike against it.

Heard it Before? No memory whatsoever
Heard it Before Total Index: 0-1 (zero out of one)

2) Partland Brothers: "Soul City" (#27, 1987)



Oh my god, that hair!!!! I just want to run my hands through it. What kind of product do you use? I'm sure these guys had the girls swooning in the crowd for their one or two concerts they did before vanishing back into obscurity. Ok, I kid, I kid. They may have played three concerts.

This song isn't necessarily bad, but it's incredibly bland. I have to wonder if this hit was because of how gorgeous they are and then, when people actually listened to the song, they woke up and that's why a second song never became a hit.

It's nice to have some male eye candy, isn't it? Don't say I don't do anything for you female readers out there.

Heard it Before? Very, very vague memory
Heard it Before Total Index: 0-2

3) Leslie Pearl: "If the Love Fits, Wear It" (#28, 1982)



This is an incredibly nice song. Pearl's got a really nice voice, and it just gives me an overall nice feeling in my heart and soul. I'm overwhelmed with niceness. Are you sensing a trend?

This isn't a bad song or anything. It's kind of trite, but maybe it wasn't back in the 80s. It doesn't make me want to run screaming from the room or anything. And I don't feel like I've wasted the four minutes of my life I spent listening to it.

Do you get the feeling I really don't know what to say about this song? If so, you'd be right!

Heard it Before? no memory whatsoever
Heard it Before Total Index: 0-3

4) Point Blank: "Nicole" (#39, 1981)



This has that southern American rock of the 80s feel, which I guess is a nice switch from all the New Wave junk that has littered these lists. It's a decent song, nothing to write home about. It's also not really inspiring me (as you can probably tell). Even this "rock" song is putting me to sleep!

We've really hit a "blah" patch in this list, haven't we? Sorry about that. Let me liven things up with some juggling. Everybody likes a juggler, right?

Heard it Before? no memory whatsoever
Heard it Before Total Index: 0-4

5)Dan Reed Network: "Ritual" (#38, 1988)



(not sure if this is the original video, as it says "copyright 1993")

Hey, this will liven things up! It's a hair band nobody's ever heard of! Ok, the audience members must have heard of them, or they're getting paid really well to fake it. Anyway, they look like Bon Jovi wannabes (and isn't that sad?) I cannot believe this, because the song came out in 1988, when I was in college, but this song must have escaped my radar. It's all brand new to me.

Which I guess is one thing you can say for it, because the other thing you can say for it is that it's crap. I don't even like Bon Jovi. Why would I want reheated Bon Jovi with all of the "quality" sucked out of it?

Heard it Before? no memory whatsoever
Heard it Before Total Index: 0-5

6) Cheryl Pepsii Riley: "Thanks for My Child" (#32, 1988)



What a gorgeous voice, and wonderful lyrics in this song. It's great to hear a mother be so thankful for the child that she has been blessed with, despite the fact that there are going to be hardships because the father ran away (though I could have done without the LITERAL image of Daddy running away in the video...that's a bit cheesy).

The song goes on a bit long, but otherwise it's such a beautiful song that I'm not going to mock it. This is for all of you mothers out there, and the kids who are blessed with having you as a mom.

Still never heard it, though. I think I was drunk in college or something.

Heard it Before? no memory whatsoever
Heard it Before Total Index: 0-6

7) Roachford: "Cuddly Toy (Feel For Me)" (#25, 1989)



So far, this is the song I have the most memory of, and it's not a very strong one. I remember the chorus, kind of, but not the rest. And the music is a total mystery. Still, it's a fun song. It's the first one in a while that's got me moving in my seat a little bit (which is making it hard to type, actually). I wouldn't be surprised if I heard this song at some of the parties I went to in college, considering that's when it came out. Then again, I might have missed it because of: 1) the alcohol and 2) how few parties I actually went to.

That might have something to do with it.

Heard it Before? it's in my brain somewhere
Heard it Before Total Index: 0.5 - 7

8) Romeo Void: "A Girl in Trouble (Is a Temporary Thing)" (#35, 1984)



I actually remember this song!!! Well, kind of. More New Wave stuff, though this is at least good-old American New Wave. None of these "feriners" coming over and stealing our New Wave jobs! And Romeo Void proves that you don't have to be from across the ocean to suck.

Ok, it's not that bad. It's actually kind of pleasant to listen to. But the video, like most of them, really doesn't make a lot of sense. Especially the creepy mouth on that woman near the end of the video. And the lyrics make no sense either.

Wrap that up and you've got a nice little ball of "ok"

Heard it Before? actually sounds familiar!
Heard it Before Total Index: 1-8

9) Royal Philharmonic Orchestra: "Hooked on Classics" (#10, 1981)



Cool video! Telling you what pieces are being played. That's awesome.

Who doesn't love jazzed up classical music? There's a reason this was a huge hit in 1981. I wonder how many people decided to go see what "classical music" thing was all about after hearing this song. Ok, probably not many, but I hope some did. I love classical music, though I'm not very versed in it. This song brings back a lot of memories, though I don't think it spurred my love for the genre. I think that developed later.

I think they should have made a video for this song, complete with a bunch of weird-looking guys in grey wigs all in a room, writing their music together. And then Jean-Claude Van Damme bursts into the room with machine gun blazing and a massive firefight starts. Meanwhile, all of the composers' music is being sampled in the soundtrack as they all gang up on him and win the day. (thus fulfilling my Jean-Claude Van Damme reference quota for the day).

Wow, I don't know where that came from. No more nachos at two in the morning for me.

Heard it Before? Of course!
Heard it Before Total Index: 2-9

So thus ends Part 6 of this long string of 80s music posts. For once, it started on a "blah" note and ended on a high, instead of the other way around. This is getting worse and worse, the songs becoming more and more obscure, and what quality there was is rapidly going downhill. It's been a long time since I was so uninspired by a bunch of music to write about it. It's almost like they were intentionally trying to put me to sleep. If it hadn't ended on such a rousing note, I don't know what I would have done. Probably would have had to come back and finish this later.

Still, it's not all bad. I'm discovering new music and artists to make fun of, as mocking the current crop of "singers" and "artists" is just too easy sometimes. So that's a plus. Also, I'm discovering new and different Youtube tricks! That will come in handy some day as well.

*Yawn*

Sorry, that just slipped out. I'd better wait to do the next group, until maybe I have a Red Bull or two in my system.

Or maybe five.

"True" One-Hit Wonders of the 80s posts
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8

Top 100 One-Hit Wonders of the 80s posts
#100-91
#90-81
#80-71
#70-61
#60-51
#50-41
#40-31
#30-21
#20-11
#10-1